Funny Marriage Quotes

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Marriages may be made in heaven, but they sure have to be managed right here on earth. That's easier said than done. Take a dig at the funny side of marriage. These funny marriage quotes are good stress busters. They make you laugh at the banalities of marriage. When you read funny marriage quotes, you realize that even a perfect marriage has its inherent flaws but those flaws add to the charm of marriage.

Whenever you're wrong admit it;
Whenever you're right shut up.

Bill Cosby
For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked.

Patrick Murray
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.

Gloria Steinem
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

Groucho Marx
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

Agatha Christie
An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

Milton Berle
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Zsa Zsa Gabor
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Henry Youngman
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing… she goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Joyce Brothers
My husband and I have never considered divorce... murder sometimes, but never divorce.

There is nothing nobler or more admirable than when two people who see eye-to-eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and delighting their friends.

Rodney Dangerfield
My wife and I were happy for 20 years… then we met.

Rita Rudner
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Ogden Nash
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets.

Lord Byron
All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a marriage.

Phyllis Diller
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Katharine Hepburn
If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead… get married.

Joyce Brothers
Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.

George Lichtenberg
Love is blind, but marriage restores its sight.

There are many who believe that 'Marriage is not a word - it is a sentence!' Whether you are indeed 'married' or if you are 'single', I am sure that funny quotes on weddings and marriages always tend to put a wicked smile to the face. It is often said that 'People who are married are often desperate to get out of it and people who are single can't wait to get in!'

Either way, please feel free to get-in and explore these selections of quotable quotes from some famous people who have managed to see the lighter side to this oft forlorn institution! Wish you a happy reading time and make sure to share it with your friends on fb or Twitter!

Ambrose Bierce :
"Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage."

Ann Landers :
“At every party there are two kinds of people . . . those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.”

Anonymous :
“No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.”

Bill Cosby :
“Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: The wife is in charge.”

“That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked.”

“I want to die before my wife, and the reason is this: If it is true that when you die, your soul goes up to judgment, I don't want my wife up there ahead of me to tell them things.”

Billie Holiday :
"Mom & Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen and she was sixteen. And I was three."

Bob Hope :
“Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.”

Cathy Ladman :
“My parents only had one argument in forty-five years. It lasted forty-three years.”

Cher :
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing . . . and then marry him.”

“Husbands are like fires . . . they go out when they're left unattended.”

“I'm still friends with all my exes, apart from my husbands.”

Christopher Morley :
“The trouble with wedlock is that there’s not enough wed and too much lock”.

Dennis Miller :
“After 7 years of marriage, I am sure of 2 things: First, never wallpaper together and second, you'll need 2 bathrooms . . . both for her. The rest is a mystery, but a mystery I love to be involved in.”

Dolly Parton :
“My husband said 'show me your boobs' and I had to pull up my skirt... so it was time to get them done!”

Elizabeth Taylor :
“I'm a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too . . . for being married so many times.”

Erma Bombeck :
“For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.”

Fibber McGee :
"My wife and I had words, but I never got to use mine."

George Bernard Shaw :
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.”

George Burns :
"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means."

Groucho Marx :
"Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind her is his wife."

“Marriage is a wonderful institution, that is of course . . . if you like living in an institution.”

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

Helen Rowland :
"When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad."

“One man's folly is another man's wife.”

“Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.”

“There is a vast difference between the savage and the civilized man, but it is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.”

“Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.”

“A good woman inspires a man, a brilliant woman interests him, a beautiful woman fascinates him, but a sympathetic woman gets him.”

“In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar, a custom which is still continued.”

“A man marries one woman to escape from many others, and then chases many others to forget he's married to one.”

Henny Youngman :
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

H. L. Mencken :
"The longest sentence you can form with two words is: I do."

“Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too.”

Jack Benny :
“My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.”

Jackie Mason :
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."

Jeff Foxworthy :
“Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks . . . but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.”

Jimmy Durante :
"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."

Johnny Carson :
“Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.”

"The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money."

Lewis Grizzard :
“I don't think I'll get married again. Every five years or so, I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.”

“Love is blind and marriage is the institution for the blind.”

“Being a newspaper columnist is like being married to a nymphomaniac. It's great for the first two weeks.”

“I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.”

“I get letters from people who say, 'What have you got against women?' What could I possibly have against women? I've married three of them.”

Mae West :
“Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.”

“A hard man is good to find.”

Mahatma Gandhi :
“I first learned the concepts of non-violence in my marriage.”

Max Kaufman :
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then it was too late."

Ogden Nash :
"Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them."

“To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.”

Oscar Wilde :
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."

“One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.”

Patrick Murray :
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."

Peter Kay :
"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.”

Robert Frost :
"It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married."

Robin Williams :
"Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

Rodney Dangerfield :
“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”

“With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.”

“"I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!"

“My wife was afraid of the dark . . . then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.”

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."

Roseanne Barr :
“My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.”

Tony Curtis :
"I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife."

Socrates :
"My advice to you is get married. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.”

“As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take which course he will, he will be sure to repent.”

Winston Churchill :
Lady Nancy Astor: “Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea.”
Churchill: “Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it.”

Woody Allen
 "In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker."

“Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.”

Zsa Zsa Gabor :
“A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished.”

“How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?”

“I know nothing about sex . . . because I was always married.”
Funny Marriage Quotes
Funny Marriage Quotes
Funny Marriage Quotes
Funny Marriage Quotes
Funny Marriage Quotes
Funny Marriage Quotes
Funny Marriage Quotes
Funny Marriage Quotes
Funny Marriage Quotes
Funny Marriage Quotes
Funny Marriage Quotes
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