Funny Tv Quotes

Funny Tv Quotes Biography
 "'The more things change, the more they stay the same.' I'm not sure who the first person was who said that. Probably Shakespeare, or maybe Sting. But at the moment, it's the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw: my inability to change.
   I don't think I'm alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly feels better somehow. And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected...who knows what other pain might be out there. Chances are it could be even worse.
  So you maintain the status quo. Choose the road already traveled and it doesn't seem that bad. Not as far as flaws go. You're not a drug addict; you're not killing anyone...except maybe yourself a little.
   When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion, where all of a sudden we're like this different person. I think it's smaller than that. The kind of thing most people wouldn't even notice unless they looked at us really, really close, which, thank God, they never do.
   But you notice it. Inside you that change feels like a world of difference. And you hope this is it. This is the person you get to be forever...that you'll never have to change again." ~ Ephram Brown from 'Everwood'

   "If this is my future even my past is starting to look good." ~ Ephram Brown from 'Everwood'

   "Anything good that happens to me gets bad, anything bad that happens gets worse...whatever's humanly possible." ~ Ephram Brown from 'Everwood'

   "Godforbid I turn out to be normal, not some magazine cover." ~ Ephram Brown from 'Everwood'

   "U know, you're the only person left I can trust.  I don't know if that's sad or poetic." ~ Ephram Brown from 'Everwood'
   “If I were physically capable of making myself feel better wouldn't I do that? It's not like I enjoy feeling miserable.” ~ Amy Abbott from 'Everwood'

   "As it turns out anything I think is wrong and dumb." ~ Amy Abbott from 'Everwood'

   "It's just my brother tried to piss me off today and it worked.  Two points for him.  Woo hoo!" ~ Amy Abbott from 'Everwood'

   "Maybe I am clueless and don't have a plan.  So are a lot of people.  Someone's gotta represent." ~ Bright Abbott from 'Everwood'

   “Dear Valentine, come away with me. If I had a day with you and you only, I would enjoy the simple things. The things that bring joy to the drudgery and the mundane, the things that, in the end, when time steals the rest away, are the only things we'll remember. I would paddle you across a still lake in a rowboat and read poetry to you until you fell asleep, and I would never ever think about the hours.
   Dear Valentine, if I had one day with you and you only, I would admire every line of your face, every strand of your hair, every graceful movement of your hands or your eyes or your body. If I had one perfect day. Don't you see, my heart beats only for you?
   Dear Valentine, these are the things I remember, my love... A warm hand, your warm breath, your warm mouth, your arms around mine. I remember feeling safe, ceaseless, like one person, the two of us, still, at rest, entwined. I remember how I felt the first time I kissed you. It felt like... the high dive. What do you remember? How will I ever know what was inside your heart? Where do they go, all the things we think and feel but don't say?
   Dear Valentine, these are the things I never told you, these are the things I need you to know... that I loved you always, and my love was so big, it lives still after you're gone. I'd like to tell you that I would do it differently, that if I had one more day I would do everything right. But I know that not to be true. I'd make all the same mistakes. That is, except one... I wouldn't say good-bye.” ~ Andy Brown from 'Everwood'
   "Odds are something the ordinary use for incentive or excuse." ~ Andy Brown from 'Everwood'
   "In the end pain was always preferable to nothing." ~ Andy Brown from 'Everwood'

   "Love's not worth a whole lot if you keep it to yourself." ~ Andy Brown from 'Everwood'

   "Problems that are buried have some way of digging themselves up again." ~ Andy Brown from 'Everwood'

  "What's the point of hating someone else when hating myself is so richly deserved?" ~ Harold Abbott from 'Everwood'

   "Dreams aren't meant to be understood, just like tragedy isn't supposed to be adverted.  Life just happens to us as it's supposed to.  We learn to be happy when it's good and count our blessings when it goes wrong, and the only certainty is all of it just keeps happening." ~ Harold Abbott from 'Everwood'

    “Therapy is like Vegas. The decent odds are with the house.” ~ Harold Abbott from 'Everwood'

   "In the end, it's all passion." ~ Will from 'Everwood'

   "Some people see the forest, some people see the trees." ~ Will from 'Everwood'

   "Don't feel sorry for forgetting, feel sorry for yourself.  There's a whole world happening, and you're just asleep." ~ Julia Abbott from 'Everwood'

   "I owe God some serious vegetables." ~ Hannah from 'Everwood'

   "Like the man with the printing press said, at some point we all have something we just have to do. The gear spins. Sometimes the spin gets you what you want, sometimes it pushes it even further away. Either way, you have to respect the machine." ~ Narrator from 'Everwood'

   "Playing pretend, make believe, it may be the one thing we never outgrow." ~ Narrator from 'Everwood'
   “It's overwhelming really. So much purports to be extraordinary everywhere you go, it's hard to say what really is anymore. But like an elegantly articulated brushstroke or a perfect piece of music, or even a flawed one, you know it when you see it. It fills you with a flush. It holds your breath for you. You know you're in the presence of extraordinary when there's just no guessing. And the only thought you can carry is a determination to do even better yourself.” ~ Narrator
   “Forget for a minute what the real world looks like. Forget what you know you know. Sometimes you need to believe in what isn't exactly there: A daydream of better nights, a storybook fantasy where life is ordered and consistent and tales get a bit awefully exciting before wrapping up nicely for all involved.” ~ Narrator from 'Everwood'

   “Right or wrong, it's always easier to believe in what isn't there. Rockwell himself put it pretty well, he said: "The view of life I communicate in my pictures excludes the sorted and the ugly. I paint life as I would like it to be.” ~ Narrator from 'Everwood'

   “You know you're in the presence of extraordinary when there's just no guessing. And the only thought you can carry is a determination to do even better yourself.” Narrator from 'Everwood'

   “There are things that we should never utter, and there are the things we need to hear to believe.  But the ones that stay with us are the things we long to say, but can’t.” ~ Narrator from 'Everwood'

   "Dreams are our world turned upside down...the world of dreams are not our world, but for the death of everything it changes our perception.  This is what makes dreams so deceiving." ~ Narrator from 'Everwood'

   "Michelangelo said the best way to judge the essential elements of a sculpture is to throw it down a hill and the unimportant pieces will break away. Sometimes life is like that. It tosses us down a hill. But when we reach the bottom and only the important things are left, that's when our vision clears. That's when we hold on tight to what we know, while hope stirs inside us. It's all a matter of perspective." ~ Narrator from 'Everwood'

   "There are moments in life so archetypaly perfect, that there's only one right thing to say. But as humans, each with our own idiosyncrasies, we may not always respond the way the universe or say, our parents want or expect us to. It is at moments such as these that we realize that the truth has a distinct cost that can't be bargained down. And in these moments, we must choose whether to pay the price." ~ Narrator from 'Everwood'

   "When the pressure is on, it's often the times of crisis that bring a family together...Pressure also has a way of exposing our fault lines. Bringing to the surface things that might better have stayed buried deep below. Once they're out though, they're awful hard to put back." ~ Narrator from 'Everwood'

   “A heart is a fragile thing. That's why we protect them so vigorously, give them away so rarely, and why it means so much when we do. Some hearts are more fragile than others. Purer, somehow. Like crystal in a world of glass, even the way they shatter is beautiful." ~ Narrator from 'Everwood'

   “When things are working right in the universe, a loss of innocence is usually followed, in time, by an increase in humanity...Time is funny like that. For everything it robs us of, it grants us something. Sometimes it's a new friend, sometimes it's a better understanding of ourselves. Sometimes, it's just a perfect day.” ~ Narrator from 'Everwood'

   "There's a particular brand of pit that grows in your stomach when you know you're losing control and there's nothing you can do about it. Heavy as granite and moldering...It's the way we're built I suppose. A natural reaction to the unstoppable spin of the earth below. Forever trying to wrest control of life, love, work, and home. And when we can't get control there, we'll fight for it wherever we can. As if we think we could stop the world from spinning just by being mad." ~ Narrator from 'Everwood'

   "There's nothing in the world like being young and in love. It gives you the power to do things you would never have had the courage to do otherwise. It inspires you to make yourself vulnerable, put your heart on the line...To give more than you can give. To speak heart-felt sentiments you thought only existed in old books and flowery poetry. And it can make you forget everything except love itself. That one thing that makes life worth living. The object of your affection...Inspired by love, we can move mountains, make great changes, do great things. But we can also become so blinded by it that we forget everything, everyone. Even ourselves." ~ Narrator from 'Everwood'

   "Hasn't the statute of limitations run out for kicking yourself in the ass?" ~ Jordan Cavanaugh from 'Crossing Jordan'

   "You don't get past some things.  The best you can do is get away from them." ~ Sue from 'Crossing Jordan'

   "Sometimes you need to cross that line.  It's just a matter of how far." ~ Jordan Cavanaugh from 'Crossing Jordan'

   "The dead bodies are's the living ones that get complicated." ~ Jordan Cavanaugh from 'Crossing Jordan'

   "The most minor event can affect everything, and when that seemingly insufficient thing happens it sets everything else in motion...the most minor event can change everything...sometimes for the better, even if it doesn't seem like it at first." ~ JD from 'Scrubs'

   "There are some things we can't control, no matter how strong we are - like a knee jerk reaction, or a janitor who has it in for you - and sometimes you let go of the control you do have in your moment of weakness." ~ JD from 'Scrubs'

   "In the end it's the 'what ifs' that hurt the most." ~ JD from 'Scrubs'

   "...Because in the end, things work our for the best...............or not." ~ JD from 'Scrubs'

   "It's amazing how one simple gesture can bring you back from the brink." ~ JD from 'Scrubs'

   "I guess the funny thing about love, you never know which way it's going.  Like me:  I lost...but at least I went down swinging." ~ JD from 'Scrubs'

   "Sometimes the smallest victory is enough to get you through the day." ~ JD from 'Scrubs'

   "I think the problem with most people who get what they want is that they then realize they don't want it anymore." ~ JD from 'Scrubs'

   "In the end you learn to treasure the times when things go your way, and you learn to be there for the ones you love when they don't." ~ JD from 'Scrubs'

   "You might find out that the very thing you hate so much is the thing you miss the most when it's gone." ~ Bob Kelso from 'Scrubs'

   "I think owning your burden is half the battle." ~ JD from 'Scrubs'

   "There are moments when we all wish life was more like a sitcom." ~ JD from 'Scrubs'

   "I think putting one in the win column gives us enough juice to keep going with the games we know we're not gonna win." ~ Dr. Cox from 'Scrubs'

   "All of us are gonna die someday.  For those of us who are lucky it'll be a quick and painless death.  But for the rest of us it'll be slow and painful, just like a conversation with you." ~ Dr. Cox from 'Scrubs'

   “It's hard when you lose for the first time. It's even harder when it’s the hundredth.” ~ JD from 'Scrubs'

   "Relationships don't work they way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won't they? And then they finally do, and they're happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y'know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: it's couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something." ~ Dr. Cox from 'Scrubs'

   "Do you even remember what you were doing the day they were passing out common sense?" ~ Dr. Cox from 'Scrubs'

   "There comes a time when every man has to make a choice, whether it's a professional choice or a personal choice.  In the end it's about integrity.  And it's about chasing after the things you want, even if it means showing  Sometimes, well sometimes it means doing something for a friend, even if it means sacrificing yourself.  When it comes down to it, you just have to be happy with the decision you make." ~JD from 'Scrubs'

   "That's not couple's therapy, that's amateur porn!" ~ Turk from 'Scrubs'

   "Dead mom jokes - always funny." ~ Eliot from 'Scrubs'

   "That was a wonderful combo of verbal diarrhea and stun silence." ~ Dr. Cox from 'Scrubs'

   "Honestly, the only thing that gives me comfort you guys is while I'm sitting at home staring at the ceiling just wishing that I had someone to talk to, is knowing that none of you idiots realize how lucky you are." ~ JD from 'Scrubs'

   "Photoshop - you can do anything.  Look, here I have you wearing a duck's bill.  Know why?  Because you're a quack." ~ Janitor from 'Scrubs'

   "If you don't embrace the joke and laugh a little it'll follow you around and eat you up." ~ Elliot from 'Scrubs'

   "I didn't realize how easy it is to make stupid little mistakes." ~ Carla from 'Scrubs'

   "We are both egotistical peas in a narcisistic pod." ~ Dr. Cox from 'Scrubs'

   "Fear knocked at the door, faith answered.  There was no one there." ~ Christopher Soprano from 'The Sopranos'

   "Poverty is a great motivator." - Carmela Soprano rom 'The Sopranos'

   "I'm like King Midas in reverse. Everything I touch turns to shit. " ~ Tony Soprano from 'The Sopranos'

   "Education never stops.  It enriches all aspects of life." ~ Bob Wegler from 'The Sopranos'

   "Never pick a fight with someone who buys ink by the barrel." ~ Toby Ziegler from 'The West Wing'

   "I don't mind being held to a higher standard. I mind being held to a lower one. " ~ Sam Seaborn from 'The West Wing'

   "The truth I know is an illusive idea." ~ Toby Ziegler from 'The West Wing'

   "This isn't never never land.  Believing is not enough." ~ Leo McGary from 'The West Wing'

   "You campaign in poetry, you govern in prose." ~ Leo McGary from 'The West Wing'

   "Maybe if we pay more attention to what's rendering it will render itself." ~ Jed Bartlett from 'The West Wing'

   "There's no dishonor in faliure.  The only dishonor would be not to try." ~ The new Defense Secretary from 'The West Wing'

   "I wanted to ask you a couple of questions while I have you here. I'm interested in selling my youngest daughter into slavery as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. She's a Georgetown sophomore, speaks fluent Italian, always cleared the table when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be? While thinking about that, can I ask another? My Chief of Staff Leo McGarry insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly says he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself or is it okay to call the police? Here's one that's really important because we've got a lot of sports fans in this town: touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean. Leviticus 11:7. If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point? Does the whole town really have to be together to stone my brother John for planting different crops side by side? Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing garments made from two different threads? Think about those questions, would you? One last thing: while you may be mistaking this for your monthly meeting of the Ignorant Tight-Ass Club, in this building, when the President stands, nobody sits." ~ Jed Bartlett from 'The West Wing'

   "The best defense is an honest life." ~ Horatio Caine from 'CSI: Miami'

   "The problem with manipulation is that people can turn on you." ~ Horatio Caine from 'CSI: Miami'

   "Tomorrow's what you make of it." ~ Horatio Caine from 'CSI: Miami'

   "The truth has this funny, mysterious way of finding daylight." ~ Horatio Caine from 'CSI: Miami'

   "To find the hunter, know the game." ~ Gil Grisholm from 'CSI: Crime Scene Investigation'

   "Everything's relevent...until it's not." ~ Gil Grisholm from 'CSI: Crime Scene Investigation'

   "Every civilization learns what it needs to know and the next one forgets it." ~ Gil Grisholm from 'CSI: Crime Scene Investigation'

   "The best intuitions are fraught with disappointment." ~ Gil Grisholm from 'CSI: Crime Scene Investigation'

   "Confused - that's the best place for a scientist to be." ~ Gil Grisholm from CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

   "By the way, the definition of 'retard' is 'something slowed or held back'.  Your life is about to get...retarded." ~ Gil Grisholm from CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

   "Forget about making a hundred, forget about the victim, forget about the suspect and focus on the only thing that can't lie: the evidence." ~ Gil Grisholm from 'CSI: Crime Scene Investigation'

   "There is always a clue." ~ Gil Grisholm from 'CSI: Crime Scene Investigation'

   "If you chase 2 rabbits you lose them both." ~ Gil Grisholm from 'CSI: Crime Scene Investigation'

   "I don't believe in rules that tell me how I should live my life." ~ Gil Grisholm from 'CSI: Crime Scene Investigation'

   "Luck is only for those without skill." ~ Greg Sanders from 'CSI: Crime Scene Investigation'

   "If something doesn't feel right to you, it usually isn't." ~ Catherine Willows from 'CSI: Crime Scene Investigation'

   "The only thing different between kitch and beautiful is time." ~ Catherine Willows form 'CSI: Crime Scene Investigation'

   "I don't think they cross the line...just that they start on the other side." ~ Catherine Willows form 'CSI: Crime Scene Investigation'

   “Never underestimate the power of a guilty conscience.” ~ Alex Eames from 'Law & Order: Criminal Intent'

   “Sometimes the good you do doesn’t do you any good” ~ Arthur Branch from 'Law & Order'

   "Humans fail.  That's what makes them human." ~ Jack McCoy from 'Law & Order'

   "Better to light a match than curse the darkness." ~ Ben Stone from 'Law & Order'

   “That's been your dating problem: pure science.” ~ Roz from 'Frasier'

   "Did you say something?  Your penis was talking so loud I couldn't hear." ~ Niles Crane from 'Frasier'

   "In the end the things we regret most are the chances we never took." ~ Frasier Crane from 'Frasier'

   "My father's engaged, my brothers having a baby, while I am left to spin on the dating hamster wheel!" ~ Frasier Crane from 'Frasier'

   "Just knowing where the behavior comes from doesn't change the behavior." ~ Brenda from 'Six Feet Under'

   “Having to admit fucked up shit about yourself fucking sucks.” ~ Rico from 'Six Feet Under'

   “Life is pain, get used to it.” ~ Linda from 'Six Feet Under'

   "Maybe it's just who I am...I just don't know if I can change.  I can't, I can't becomet his simple person living this happy litlle life." ~ Brenda from 'Six Feet Under'

   "It's all about timing and when you're gonna break from the pack." ~ Bill Rancic from 'The Apprentice'

   "Gotta focus, gotta focus...gotta look at that bird..." ~ Bart Simpson from 'The Simpsons'

   "Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love." ~ Charlie Brown

   "Pressure turns coal into diamonds." ~ Alonzo Boden from 'Last Comic Standing'

   "Everything's going to be alright, we have pie!" ~ Maxine from 'Judging Amy'

   "You know me, I'd be miserable if I was happy." ~ Pacey from 'Dawson's Creek'

The Paley Center and NBC counted down “TV’s 50 Funniest Phrases” in a two-hour special Tuesday night. It was hosted by Jane Krakowski of “30 Rock” and was predictably heavy on “Saturday Night Live” catchphrases.

But it was “Seinfeld’s” “Yada, yada, yada” that took No. 1, over “D’oh” from “The Simpsons” and “How you doin’” from “Friends.”

I take issue with “Burn” from “That ‘70s Show” making the top 10 (at 6), over both “Oh my god! They killed Kenny” from “South Park” and “Lucy, you’ve got some splainin’ to do” from “I Love Lucy.” So what if Ricky never quite used those words, it’s a much better known catchphrase than “Burn.”

I also take issue with “It’s going to be legendary” from "How I Met Your Mother" taking No. 11, beating everything from “Well isn’t that special” from SNL to “Eat my shorts” from “Simpsons” to “One of these days, pow, right in the kisser” from “The Honeymooners.”

(Absent for some odd reason: "Dy-no-mite" from "Good Times." Plus, as readers have pointed out, "What chu talkin' 'bout Willis?" from "Different Strokes.")

“Hated it” is right! “I’ve made a huge mistake” for real. (And if you are going to pick a quote from “Arrested Development” – and I’m so glad you did – couldn’t you also pick “Her?”)

They did a few side genres beyond comedy – reality, action adventure, sci-fi and game shows – but what about dramas? Fuhgedaboudit! I wanted to see “Everybody lies” from “House” at the very least, but they completely blew off the genre. “No soup for you!”

Top 50 comedy catchphrases
50. “Hello, Newman” from “Seinfeld”
49. “Missed it by that much” from “Get Smart”
48. “Yeah, that’s the ticket” from “Saturday Night Live”
47. “God’ll get you for that” from “Maude”
46. “Hey, Hey, Hey” from “What’s Happening”
45. “Holy crap” from “Everybody Loves Raymond”
44. “Let me show you something” from “In Living Color”
43. “Nip it” from “The Andy Griffith Show”
42. “Thank you beddy much” from “Taxi”
41. “Do you wanna hug it out” from “Entourage”
40. “Watch it sucka” from “Sanford and Son”
39. “Jane you ignorant slut” from “Saturday Night Live”
38. “Mom liked you best” from “The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour”
37. “Sit on it” from “Happy Days”
36. “Now cut that out” from “The Jack Benny Comedy Program”
35. “I’m Larry, this is my brother Darryl…” from “Newhart”
34. “What you see is what you get” from “The Flip Wilson Show”
33. “I’ve made a huge mistake” from “Arrested Development”
32. “I know nothing” from “Hogan’s Heroes”
31. “Here come de judge” from “Laugh In”
30. “You look marvelous” from “Saturday Night Live”
29. “I’m comin’ to join ya Elizabeth” from “Sanford and Son”
28. “Would you believe” from “Get Smart”
27. “Up your nose with a rubber hose” from “Welcome Back Kotter”
26. “Ohhhh Rob” from “The Dick Van Dyke Show”
25. “Kiss my grits” from “Alice:
24. “Nanu, Nanu” from “Mork and Mindy”
23. “Don’t be ridiculous” from “Perfect Strangers”
22. “I’m Gumby, damn it” from “Saturday Night Live”
21. “No soup for you” from “Seinfeld”
20. “One of these days, pow right in the kisser” from “The Honeymooners”
19. “Did I do that” from “Family Matters”
18. “Will you stifle” from “All in the Family”
17. “Eat my shorts” from “The Simpsons”
16. “Hated it” from “In Living Color”
15. “Well isn’t that special” from “Saturday Night Live”
14. “Sock it to me” from “Laugh In”
13. “We were on a break” from “Friends”
12. “That’s what she said” from “The Office”
11. “It’s going to be legendary” from “How I Met Your Mother”
10. “Homey don’t play dat” from “In Living Color”
9. “Excuuse me” from “Saturday Night Live”
8. “Lucy, you’ve got some splainin’ to do” from “I Love Lucy” (even though he never said it quite that way – the closest he came was “Lucy, splain” and “All right, start splainin’”)
7. “Oh my god! They killed Kenny” from “South Park”
6. “Burn” from “That ‘70s Show”
5. “We are two wild and crazy guys” from “Saturday Night Live”
4. “Ayyyy” from “Happy Days”
3. “How you doin’” from “Friends”
2. “D’oh” from “The Simpsons”
1. “Yada, yada, yada” from “Seinfeld”

Top 3 reality TV catchphrases
3. “The tribe has spoken” from “Survivor”
2. “That’s hot” from “The Simple Life"
1. “You’re fired” from “The Apprentice”

Top 3 game shows catchphrases
3. “Come on down” from “The Price is Right”
2. “Deal or no deal” from “Deal or No Deal”
1. “Is that your final answer” from “Who Wants to be a Millionaire”

Top 3 science fiction catchphrases
3. “You’ve just crossed over into ‘The Twilight Zone’” from “The Twilight Zone”
2. “Trust no one” from “X-Files”
1. “Scotty, beam us up” from “Star Trek”

Top 3 action adventure catchphrases
3. “One other thing…” from “Columbo”
2. “De plane! De plane!” from “Fantasy Island”
1. “Who loves ya, baby” from “Kojak”
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