Funny Mother Quotes

Funny Mother Quotes Biography
A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie. -Tenneva Jordan

Being a full-time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs in my field, since the payment is pure love. -Mildred B. Vermont

A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after. -Peter De Vries

The phrase "working mother" is redundant. -Jane Sellman

I remember my mother's prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life. -Abraham Lincoln

Some mothers are kissing mothers and some are scolding mothers, but it is love just the same, and most mothers kiss and scold together. -Pearl S. Buck

The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness. -Honoré de Balzac

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his. -Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest

An ounce of mother is worth a pound of clergy. -Spanish Proverb

She never quite leaves her children at home, even when she doesn't take them along. -Margaret Culkin Banning

When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child. -Sophia Loren, Women and Beauty

Motherhood has a very humanizing effect. Everything gets reduced to essentials. -Meryl Streep

In all my efforts to learn to read, my mother shared fully my ambition and sympathized with me and aided me in every way she could. If I have done anything in life worth attention, I feel sure that I inherited the disposition from my mother. -Booker T. Washington

Any mother could perform the jobs of several air traffic controllers with ease. -Lisa Alther

Grown don't mean nothing to a mother. A child is a child. They get bigger, older, but grown? What's that suppose to mean? In my heart it don't mean a thing. -Toni Morrison, Beloved

A mother's happiness is like a beacon, lighting up the future but reflected also on the past in the guise of fond memories. -Honoré de Balzac

With what price we pay for the glory of motherhood. -Isadora Duncan

Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. -Erich Fromm

I miss thee, my Mother! Thy image is still
The deepest impressed on my heart.

-Eliza Cook

Youth fades; love droops; the leaves of friendship fall; A mother's secret hope outlives them all. -Oliver Wendell Holmes

Whatever else is unsure in this stinking dunghill of a world a mother's love is not. -James Joyce

Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother. -Oprah Winfrey

My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it. -Mark Twain

My mother was the most beautiful woman I ever saw. All I am I owe to my mother. I attribute all my success in life to the moral, intellectual and physical education I received from her. -George Washington

There was never a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him to sleep. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago. -Erma Bombeck

When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway. -Erma Bombeck

Life began with waking up and loving my mother's face. -George Eliot

Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly. -Ambrose Bierce

If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. -Ferrell Sims

Motherhood is neither a duty nor a privilege, but simply the way that humanity can satisfy the desire for physical immortality and triumph over the fear of death. -Rebecca West

The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant—and let the air out of the tires. -Dorothy Parker

No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for signs of improvement. -Florida Scott-Maxwell

The mother-child relationship is paradoxical and, in a sense, tragic. It requires the most intense love on the mother's side, yet this very love must help the child grow away from the mother, and to become fully independent. -Erich Fromm

There is no way to be a perfect mother, and a million ways to be a good one. -Jill Churchill

Mothers are all slightly insane. -J.D. Salinger

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. -Phyllis Diller

Being a full-time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs... since the payment is pure love. -Mildred B. Vermont

When I stopped seeing my mother with the eyes of a child, I saw the woman who helped me give birth to myself. -Nancy Friday

Mama exhorted her children at every opportunity to 'jump at de sun.' We might not land on the sun, but at least we would get off the ground. -Zora Neale Hurston

Time is the only comforter for the loss of a mother. -Jane Welsh Carlyle

A mother is not a person to lean on, but a person to make leaning unnecessary. -Dorothy Canfield Fisher

A mother's love is patient and forgiving when all others are forsaking, it never fails or falters, even though the heart is breaking. -Helen Rice

A mother's arms are more comforting than anyone else's. -Diana, Princess of Wales

By and large, mothers and housewives are the only workers who do not have regular time off. They are the great vacationless class. -Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Mother is the name of God in the lips and hearts of children. -William Makepeace Thackeray

 Whenever I'm with my mother, I feel as though I have to spend the whole time avoiding land mines. -Amy Tan, The Kitchen God's Wife

If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do well matters very much. -Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis

The mother's heart is the child's schoolroom. -H.W. Beecher

The hand that rocks the cradle
Is the hand that rules the world.

"I know how to do anything—I'm a mom."
— Roseanne Barr

"My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet. She's now in a maximum security twilight home in Australia."
— Dame Edna Everage

"I'm a mother with two small children, so I don't take as much crap as I used to."
— Pamela Anderson

"Nobody loves me but my mother,
And she could be jivin' too."
— B. B. King

"If my mom reads that I'm grammatically incorrect, I'll have hell to pay."
— Larisa Oleynik

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
— Jack Nicholson

"My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance."
— Tim Allen

"When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway."
— Erma Bombeck

"There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it."
— Chinese Proverbs

"A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car for ever after."
— Peter De Vries

"The worst feature of a new baby is its mother's singing."
— Kin Hubbard

"As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied."
— Oscar Wilde

"Neurotics build castles in the air; psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them."
— Rita Rudner

"My mother had morning sickness after I was born."
— Rodney Dangerfield

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."
— Phyllis Diller

"If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"
— Milton Berle

"My mom was a garage sale person, save money. Come on in to the garage sale, you might find a shirt. She'd get in that garage sale and point stuff out to you. There's a good fork for a nickel. Yeah, that's beautiful. It's a little high. If it were three cents I'd snap it up."
— Louie Anderson

"My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping."
— Rita Rudner

"I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, 'Steven, time to go to sleep.' I said, 'But I don't know how.' She said, 'It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.' So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said 'I thought I told you to go to sleep.'"
— Steven Wright

"My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father."
— Wendy Liebman

"It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely. But the desire to beget children is a natural urge."
— Phyllis Diller

"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
— Paula Poundstone

"My mother never breast fed me; she told me she only liked me as a friend."
— Rodney Dangerfield

"My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh."
— Bob Monkhouse

"I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me."
— Calvin (Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes)

"Mom and Dad say I should make my life an example of the principles I believe in. But every time I do, they tell me to stop it."
— Calvin (Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes)

"You know Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, 'Homer, you're a big disappointment,' and God bless her soul, she was really onto something."
— Homer Simpson (on The Simpsons)
Funny Mother Quotes
Funny Mother Quotes
Funny Mother Quotes
Funny Mother Quotes
Funny Mother Quotes
Funny Mother Quotes
Funny Mother Quotes
Funny Mother Quotes
Funny Mother Quotes
Funny Mother Quotes
Funny Mother Quotes
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